Thursday, July 14, 2005

Im gonna start ranting. Leave now if you hate rantings.

Im sick of trying to 'mould' for everyone. I always seem to be the one thats changing myself to fit others. Its never the other way around. I've been changing and changing to the extent that I don't know myself anymore. I've been giving so much that others just think its my nature to do so. The fact is, it isnt. I want it back too. How come is it that its so difficult to give back at least 50% when I give it my best? Im not expecting presents or money in return. Just care and concern once in a while will do it.

I always end up doing things just to please others. It hurts me, yet I just bite my lip down and do it. I don't know why I can never say no. Maybe I care for you too much. Im always getting pushed around to do stuff. Its never what I want to do. Am I a toy to just shove me here and there? Its my life, I know what I want. I know what I want to do. People always tell me, " listen to what your heart says, dun listen to others". But they don't know the amount of guilt it gives me to go over his words. I have no interest whatsoever in what Im doing now. But im trying. I can't make heads or tails of anything. Everyone seems to know what they are talking about. They all seem confident and strong. I guess I'll just fade into the background. Its my fault that Im here. In this horrid position. Im sorry, I really really am. Im such a dissapointment.

And you. Yes you. Im tired of your games. I really am. You might think its fun, I don't. I can't be binded by some ruthless rules. Im not your typical girl. I've got brains. I've got Q's. I don't blindly say yes to everything. And I definetly don't see anything wrong in wearing a darn T- Shirt. As I said, you grew up in a different environment, I grew up in a different environment. Your perceptions are different, my perceptions are different. Its not that I can't change your perceptions, its that I don't want to. Changing you will be selfish of me. Things will only change if you and I change over time without force. And it'll definetly take time. let things go on as per normal now. Maybe its meant to be, maybe its not. We'll see.

...torn-apart

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